For whatever reason it may be, FARTS ARE FUNNY! (OK, and a little gross.)

However, there are times when farts may not be so funny. Especially when one catches you off guard in public and you have no way of covering it up.

Everyone farts whether we like to admit it. (except for fish, I hear they can’t fart). But some are just experts at covering it up. So if you need some inspiration to cover up your unexpected farts, then don’t worry, we’ve got you covered!

Below are 7 ways on how to cover up your farts.

Let’s blast off with number 1!

#1. The Surprise Fart.

This unexpected fart will catch you completely off guard. Your body has completely failed to give you any signs and has betrayed you, making this fart a challenge to cover up.

Even though this fart has given you a surprise, remain unfazed, and read the room to see if they have actually noticed…

OK, who are we kidding, EVERYONE’S noticed.

But how can we cover it up?

• Proceed like nothing has happened and blatantly ignore it while living in the awkwardness that people blatantly heard it.
• Get your poker face on and be convincing that it wasn’t you. Deny, Deny Deny!
• Blame it on someone else. “Eww gross, does anybody smell that?”

Overall pray the unexpected doesn’t happen in a yoga class, church, on a first date, or closing an important business deal.

#2. Code Brown. (AKA The Shart).

CODE BROWN ALERT!

When number #1 turns into a number “#2“. That my friend is a shart.

If this unexpected shitty situation happens to you, remember the goal is to get away from the scene as quickly as possible before the smell takes over the room and you become the #1 suspect. (or in our case the #2 😉

Remain calm and act normal but at the same time think quick! Timing is EVERYTHING in this scenario and we don’t know how bad the situation is yet.

• Cover your ass! Take off your jacket or anything for that matter and wrap it around your waist until you reach the nearest bathroom. You might look like an egghead, but caring about what others think of you right now is the least of your worries.
• Grab anything that smells different from the current smell your producing and use it!
• Blame the smell on anything you can think of. “Hmm I think the trash hasn’t been put out in weeks”…or “has that baby’s nappy been changed?” or….”I think your dog needs some fresh air”.

If everything else fails, DISTRACT everyone! Even if you have to yell out… SHARK! (You might be surprised that half the room will look out the window.)

Distraction will also give you time to go MIA on everyone until you’ve ah, sorted your shit out.

#3. The Silent Fart.

When you let one rip and you think you’ve gotten away with it until the smell bomb hits the room and gases, everyone into a deadly coma, but no one knows who it was.

• Sit in the awkward silence knowing that everyone knows someone in the room has farted, but commit to the silence as you don’t want to be the first person addressing it. (Remember whoever smelt it dealt it.)

Or do the opposite.

• Bring it up with conviction it wasn’t you and leave the room with confidence. (confidence is key.)

If you feel a silent fart is coming on while your walking in a group.

• Walk behind them.
• Say you saw something you like and you’ll catch up with them later.

If you’re a serial silent farter, then it’s a good idea to carry around something that smells worse than your farts. Think insect repellent or fly spray. Every time an unexpected silent fart comes on, spray it EVERYWHERE and tell people you’re allergic to flies.

#4. The Loud And Proud Fart.

This is the typical guy fart where he’s proud of his flatulence ways and he may even ask you to “pull my finger”.In fact the louder it is the prouder they seem to be. But if you’re not proud of this common fart, then cover it up by…

• Making a LOUD noise or start talking louder than normal.
• Go where noise is.

Or simply own it like a boss!

#5. The First Fart In A Relationship.

It’s not the first kiss that matters, but the first fart! The awkward moment one farts in a relationship for the first time is the moment the illusion of a fairytale relationship splatters into tiny poo particles and into a flight or fight mode situation.

If the guy is the first one to “break the ice”, he’s clearly reached a comfortable stage in the relationship, and the more he likes you the louder his farts will get.

If the girl farts her barbie doll image turns her into a human and the relationship just got that much more real. In this scenario, you can either crawl into a hole, or…

• Pretend like nothing ever happened and proceed with what you’re doing while knowing your boyfriend clearly heard it. (AWKWARD).
• Blame your partner! If he loves you he’ll take the hit.;)

Or…

• Acknowledge it and laugh about it.

There’s no going back from the first fart, and if the relationship is serious, then it’s an inevitable moment just waiting to pop. The first fart is always the hardest, so be happy that the moments over and you’ve reached the next stage in a more healthier relationship!

#6. The Never-Ending Ninja Fart.

The never-ending Ninja fart will take you across the room and back, and when you think it’s finished, yup, it still keeps going. This ninja fart will pack a punch and is the hardest fart to cover up.

• Cover it up by isolating the situation by clenching your butt cheeks together and stop breathing while standing in one spot. Whatever you do DON’T MOVE until you’re in the clear.
• Go for an impromptu run. (preferably where the wind blows.)
• Go where it’s really noisy, or create the noise yourself.

Or…

• Divert or frame your fart onto someone else. Preferably an older person, as we all know old people totally fart!

#7.The Butt Trumpet Fart.

The butt trumpet fart is where the undercover fart that you think your gonna get away with somehow escalates into a live musical and your butt turns into a trumpet!

In this case, if you can’t beat it, join it.

• Be the lead singer of this musical and drown out that trumpet as loud as you can while singing your favorite tune.
• Turn the music on over a loudspeaker.
• Pretend to make a fart noise with your mouth and sync it at the same time you fart. (this is called a lip-singing fart!).

Overall it’s better out than in. If in doubt, just…LAUGH! 🙂

Emmy Walker

Emmy is the founder and content writer at woopdedo. With a background in the performing arts, she then had a career working on cruise ships, until she decided to return to NZ where she spends most of her time storytelling and freelance writing. You can contact her on the social media links below or visit the work with us page.