Meet Sow-Ay!

(AKA Sow and the mental demons fighter!)

Sow is a talented French artist who spends his days creating in many areas such as much as music, t-shirt designs and of course his popular works as a comic illustrator!

Sow focuses a lot of his comics on mental health, which stems from his own personal journey. His comics have received great attention from websites like the Huffington Post and have been featured in art galleries in France and Chicago USA.

It’s easy to see why, as his art showcases some raw and truthful elements that are hard to talk about if you are experiencing mental health issues yourself.

Intrigued by his comics and his own personal journey with mental illness, I decided to interview him and give you a taste of his incredible comics!

Interview With Sow-Ay:

#Q1. Sow! First of all, thank you for being interviewed. Your comics are a great inspiration and I can see how they have gotten so much attention as they truly are relatable for someone suffering from mental illness. Is this an area you have personally struggled with yourself?

SOW: Thanks a lot for having me! I’m really glad you like my comics! The response to it really blew my mind!

And yes, I’ve been struggling with social anxiety and generalized anxiety since forever. After my teenage years, the anxiety became stronger and insomnia became unbearable. And after my twenties, I burnt out, so depression joined the party, which was shortly joined by panic disorder and then mood disorder (the bipolar family). That’s a nice cocktail!

#Q2. What made you decide to draw comics about mental health?

SOW: I was already drawing about my life but in funny little comics. So it gradually became darker. I shared the darkest drawings on my Tumblr so my friends and family wouldn’t see it. And in English, because my French family couldn’t understand it.

Until one day I felt like I couldn’t only draw funny things so I shared it on Instagram, facebook, and twitter. I was super scared of the reaction people I know could have and how they would see me.

#Q3. You call yourself a mental demons fighter! How would you describe your own battle with mental illness and when did this battle start?

SOW: I wanted to have a word in my bio related to my drawings about mental health and that’s the best I found. I wanted to put “mental mess” because that sounded funny and that’s how sometimes I feel but that’s not a great idea because some of my clients might see it. “Mental health advocate” seemed a bit too serious for me. I don’t have enough self-esteem for that.

I don’t really know when the battle started because I’ve always been fighting against anxiety even if I didn’t know it.I don’t remember why but I had to change schools (and discovered later that I was in the same school as my guitarist and bassist!). I remember that blonde teacher with a villainous face but don’t remember what happened. I have her in my school class picture to never forget her. And I failed at my driving license on the first time because the lady looked like her and that panicked me. I remember a full summer sick and crying on my couch at 4 because I lost my fluffy rabbit at school. (My best support in life. Still today).

 

At primary school, I had strong anxiety. I was terrorized to go back home with a wrong mark. I think I was a bit intimidated by my father so that made me anxious about everything. When I had a sprain my first reaction was “Dad’s gonna kill me” and not to cry because it hurt.

Other kids were laughing at me because of my look or my hair. We had a teacher that traumatized us. We still talk about it today (with my other guitarist this time). It was not all bad. I still had 2 amazing friends that are still here today.

I took it more seriously after High School when I’ve been refused in art schools.

I was really lost. I didn’t know what to do AT ALL. That’s how I entered the “adult world”. I thought I had already failed my life and had no future. I just left school. Had no special ability. Art schools said I should give up art. How could I achieve anything in life?

Then, someday I had the chance to get a little part-time job with amazing people at a leisure center near my home. We helped young people in the neighborhood and my main coworker was really devoted to that. (I admire him because he also does a lot with young people besides his work! He manages a boxing club and has a France champion in it and opened a restaurant.) I made the posters, worked on events with them (in the dark, to organize it). They helped me a lot just with this job. I felt useful.

But still, I was messed up, insomnia became so strong that I started having suicidal thoughts. I was about 20-21. I went to my doctor to talk about my sleep disorder and also talked about the physical symptoms caused by mental illness. I had huge chest pain so I thought it might be something serious. Like I might have a heart attack or cancer. But not a mental illness since it was for weak people.

After the blood tests, they end up giving me vitamins and told me it was nothing. I was young so there was no reason to be like that. Yeah, but I was so what did it mean ???? That really didn’t help with the anxiety and low self-esteem.

Some years later, it grew even stronger. My little job evolved into something mentally hard for me even if it was simple. I just had to help people use a computer and the internet besides the graphics job I already did for them. That was open to everyone so that was mostly lonely people who came.

They talked to me because they had no-one else so it was a lot for me. They sometimes had very hard lives. I was struggling with my own issues so adding more was too much. When I left the job after a year and a half, I felt huge guilt. First, because I thought I sucked. The job was easy, it was part-time and I still cannot do it. And also because I was letting them down. 

After that job, I worked at a newspaper for some summers and they called me back for a full-time year. For my family, that was perfect! I’d be working as a graphic designer in the biggest local newspaper. They stopped annoying me about getting”real” work.

Besides that, I tried to be a freelancer because I wanted to make a living with my work. Time passed and it became harder to go to work every morning but I did. At this time I tried to cope by adding myself more projects so I could avoid the dark thoughts. So I started making a music comic book, started a new band with my friends, made t-shirts, took part in art shows on the weekends. Tons of things to try to gain money with my work and that just ended up in tons of failures.

At one point, it became too much and I had a breakdown during a concert (I really recommend The Last Shadow Puppets live by the way!) It left me paralyzed in bed for days.

I used to be super busy but suddenly I could no longer go on. I loved music more than anything, why did that happen during a concert? Why did music betray me? “Luckily” that was during my 5 days weekend so that didn’t affect my “real” job. They couldn’t know! I had to stay strong. How could I go back to work normally on the following Monday?

That’s when I started talking about the dark thoughts to my doctor. 3 years ago. I was still ashamed of it.

I still had to hang on for 4 months at my job and I don’t know how the illness remained invisible. I wasn’t sleeping even if I spent all my time home in bed. I lost a lot of weight. The day my comic books arrived, I cried instead of being happy and proud. I used to share everything directly online. But it took some days to tell people my comic book arrived and that I would start packing it for them soon.

We started looking for treatment. That can be very long.

I had another breakdown during an art show of mine some months later. So I thought my second passion betrayed me too.

After that, I went on a work leave, drew more dark things online, met my first psychiatrist and tried tons of treatments. And today, I’ve made it to 2019!

I don’t know if we have found the right treatment yet. The battle is not over but I have better weapons.

Aaaaaand… Sorry for that super long answer!

#Q4. Sharing your own journey with mental illness can take a lot of courage. What was the one thing you were most afraid of when you decided to share your story and comics to the world?

SOW: I was scared to see people seeing me differently. I was making funny comics, I was trying to be a funny person even if inside I had huge doubts and anxiety. I didn’t want them to see me like a broken mess. I didn’t want them to see me as I see myself.

Before publishing a drawing I sometimes think “what will that old coworker I haven’t seen in 4 years think of me? What would happen if I see him again? Would he say something ?”

 

#Q5. You bring up the theme of death often in your comics. Is this an area you think of a lot?

SOW: I’m terrified of death. I’m scared to die. How does it feel? How will I die? Will I suffer? Where will I go after?

I’m scared to see people I love dying because that’s the worse thing in the world. And I think about that a lot. How will I live without X person? Why is grief harder for me? Will I find the strength to come to your funeral? No. That’s impossible.

The worst is when I think about my Mom dying. I see nothing but suicide as a solution.

Those death thoughts are always in a corner of my mind. If anything happens, it reminds me death is here. A friend is late? He died in an accident. Someone’s coughing strongly? He’s gonna die. We’re in a car? We’ll have an accident and die. A chest pain? I’m having a heart attack. That burn that actually seems to not be a burn and spreads on my back? Certainly cancer.

Sometimes it can even be tempting. It’s always close and far at the same time. Can I say that’s a bit fascinating? An accident happens so easily. What if I jumped just to see how it feels? Or rush in a tree with my car to see how it feels? How does it feel to drown?

Thinking about death is a part of my anxiety.

Oh ! As I have some space to say it… I don’t like people saying suicidal people are selfish. Because when the pain is too strong, it can feel like the only option. When I want to die I don’t think about anyone, because I would never do something like this to my Mom. In these moments, my head is stuck in dark thoughts, I just want the pain to stop and death seems like the only way. Recently I’ve tried to avoid the pain by taking more sleeping pills.
Saying I’m selfish will just make you a person I won’t reach out if I need help.

#Q6. How does your experience with depression and anxiety hold you back or have held you back in life? And what do you do to fight back?

SOW: The biggest example I have: I’m scared to go to the center of the city. It’s not a very big city but I avoid it at all costs. There are lots of people, and the sensation of being stuck there scares me because it’s big and it reminds me of my worse panic attack ever.

With my car, it’s easier to go but parking is a horror and costs money. If I’m not okay, I rush to my car and victory, a safe place. It takes some minutes and gets better quickly.

With public transports, I have to wait until I’m home to feel safe again. I have to deal with people. They look at me. They stare at my shoes because one is white and the other black. They stare at my Spider-man hoodie. Why are they LOOKING AT ME? Don’t they have phones like everyone else?

I have to retain the panic if there are too many people. Recently I took the tram with my scooter. It weirdly feels a bit safer. I don’t know why. Maybe because I can make a lot of damages with it if something goes wrong?

When two of my best friends told me they were moving to an apartment in the center of the city, I fell down dramatically on the floor and screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. Well, that just happened in my head but it’s the same since no one was with me when I read that text.

(Nam and Nyu, if you read me, hello, sorry I never told you!!)

I also avoid events with many people, no longer go to the firsts rows in concerts, stress a lot before an appointment or before leaving far with the car, avoid phone calls, feel guilty in advance about maybe canceling. Every day is a battle and it’s exhausting.

#Q7.  How does creativity and music help with your own mental illness?

SOW: When I have a rough time, I try to write about it. Half of the time, it’s in an email I send to myself from my phone at night. And in the morning, on my computer OH! And email! I hope it’s not a client that wants changes… OH, it’s just me. I hope I’m not a client that wants changes. I then try to explain it with drawings and share it online so people can (try to) understand.

Music is probably my best friend, it’s always there. If I had to choose between drawing and music, I’d pick music with no hesitation. It’s 100% of my waking day if we forget the time spent on movies and series (but there’s music in it so it’s okay) and the time spent talking to people. Damn, people are annoying !! They steal minutes I could spend listening to an album I already heard 35017164 times !!! (of course I’m joking)

My favorite bands are always there for me, it’s like a hug. Some lyrics can affect me a lot. I can sometimes relate. They sometimes motivate me. Give me hope. Or inspire me a new drawing. I should make a list of inspiring lyrics someday!

My little band also boosts me a lot. I’m not often motivated to go to rehearsal. Like for everything. But I force myself and it’s always a good moment to play with my friends and smash the drums. We play at least a little concert once a year for the “fête de la musique”, a French event in which musicians play music in the streets for the first day of the summer. My favorite day! There’s music everywhere, for every taste and it’s free !! How better can an evening be?

I love playing on this day because I’m with my best friends, there is a lot of people passing in front of us, listening to us and because seeing kids admiring us playing with their little eyes is a HUGE boost. At that exact moment, as I write, I have a huge smile on my face thinking about it! Maybe I inspired this little boy to be a drummer too? I don’t know, but I’m as happy as he is seeing me!

#Q8.  It seems you don’t like your face to be completely shown to the public. Do you prefer to express yourself through the characters you create in your comics?

SOW: Well, it’s probably because I have a hard time accepting myself so it’s easier to hide behind characters and speak through them. It feels safer.

People don’t know me but relate a lot to drawings that are very personal. Maybe they relate more because they don’t know how the real person behind it is so they can put whoever they want in my place. I don’t know. That’s weird and I find it super cool!

They may know me more than some people in my family. And if they follow my Instagram stories or twitter/personal facebook, they may also discover my silly side. Luckily, I’m not just a depressed mess. It’s never a full-time thing.

#Q9.  Apart from your popular mental health-themed comics, I notice you also do space themed comics. (which are awesome!).  In which direction in the future will you be taking your comics?

SOW: I love staring at beautiful skies. It’s colorful and it reminds me how big and magical the world is even if I feel like I’m stuck in the dark. That’s a free dose of hope. So I try to draw about it.

I’m working on various illustrated stories. I finished one, it’s a child’s book and I have more in projects but I want them to please adults too. This first one is about a child and his rocket. I have one about stars, and one with an astronaut.

It’s very hard for me to not share it or to find the energy to do it since I don’t benefit from it.
So for this first one, I have to wait until I find a publisher. Or to get enough money with my work and get more support to start thinking about self-publishing it or sharing it for free online. I self-published my comic book, it takes a lot of energy and that was during a very bad time so I don’t have a great memory of it. 

Thinking about how I could make a living with my drawings is a very stressful thing. I don’t have any job besides my freelance job at the moment. I always had something besides that before. I can’t handle a “normal” job so I HAVE TO make it work. I can’t fail. Just because I don’t imagine myself surviving if I fail.

I sometimes envy the artists with tons of followers that got them publications, tons of prints sold and all.

#Q10. What’s one piece of advice or a lesson that you have learned along the way that could help someone else who is reading this?

SOW: I met Jonny from Hope For The Day (a US organization doing depression and suicide prevention) some years ago at the “Never Say Die” tour. He gave some words on stage before a band played and taught me “it’s okay not to be okay”.

It affected the whole crowd because it was just some days after a terrorist attack that killed more than a hundred people in a concert in our country. I could have been any of us. Jonny told us we’re not alone. My best friend and I dropped some tears. I’ll never forget that night. 

Music is the best way to gather people. Music doesn’t care how you look or who you are. It’s not racist, not homophobic, it doesn’t care about your age. It’s the most tolerant thing on Earth so thinking about it during this show was a magic moment. That simple thought makes every concert better.

And some years later, during my super hard days, I remembered “it’s okay not to be okay” before going to the doctor. And I thanked Hope For The Day by email and it ended up in collaboration and really, they are amazing humans.

So I hope my drawings can help people know it’s okay to not feel okay and that they can reach for help. It’s all okay! I’m dreaming but if I can be seen by some of these people in these organizations, like some kind of superhero, I’d be the happiest person on Earth. Because these people do save lives! And I’ve always wanted to be a superhero!

 

Where can we find more information on you Sow?

SOW: I use Instagram and Twitter :
Instagram 
Twitter

If you don’t use them, you can read all my comics on sow-ay.tumblr.com

I also have my website: forsakenstar.com on which you have the links to my shops if you want a little print, comic book or t-shirt.:)

 

January 7, 2019
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